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Animals in the News, Part One: Animal-Animals

Article by Gene Lalor

The cynical comedian W.C. Fields famously said, “Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.” Whether Fields was serious or not is debatable since he often performed with both children and animals and he financially supported his two sons even when he didn’t have to.

The point is that children and animals aren’t all that bad even though both can be difficult at times and even if both can turn vicious. Kids aren’t the subject of this piece, though; animals of various stripes are.

In the nation’s capital, so-called Occupiers have become a problem as they have wherever they’ve moved in. Newt Gingrich advised them a while ago to get a job and take a bath but they’ve done neither. What they have done in D.C. and elsewhere is create a sanitation hazard by breeding rats.

There are various kinds of rats in Washington but here I refer to the 4-legged kind infesting Freedom Plaza and McPherson Square, not the human vermin.

In what must be a PETA-inspired decision, D.C. health officials plan to pack the rats off to neighboring Virginia rather than exterminating them which would make more sense, except to the officials. To show their concern for family values, the braindead Washingtonians are also insisting on the impossible, capturing and exporting the rodents with their little rat families.

At least that’s the interpretation of the Wildlife Protection Act of 2010 by Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli who thinks the law is “crazier than fiction.” Gene Harrington, Director of the National Pest Management Association concurs saying, “Basically, federal and local government regulations have tied legal District rodent control practices in knots and made the management of such a problem much more complicated than it should be.”

It’s all par for the course when governmental functionaries pretend they know what they’re doing.

There are other animal stories in the news, not ridiculous stories like that of the D.C. rats but, instead, gory and tragic.

In Chicago, where people are more likely to be murdered than mauled, a 62 year old jogger was attacked by two pit bulls that cost him his left leg and, probably, his jogging future.

Amazingly, Joseph Finley kept his wits about him despite what must have been excruciating pain and fought off the attackers who were coming at him “consistent, constantly; yanking and biting and tearing and pulling and gnawing at my body, like it was . . . like I was a hamburger.”

He kept telling himself, “Survive. Survive. Joseph, you have to survive,” and he did. See Joseph Finley recount his grisly tale.

Unlike in Washington, Chicago cops did what was necessary and shot the animals to death, thus saving Finley’s life.

In a bizarre animal story reported by the UK’s Daily Mirror, a furious husband in Buenos Aires, Argentina hurled a pet cat at his wife.

The wife was lucky and ducked the flying feline which was not as lucky. It flew through a fourth-floor window and crashed onto the head of an 85 year old woman. The cat, evidently on its tenth life, died, and the elderly woman suffered a fractured skull and is in critical condition.

There are seven billion stories in the naked world. These have been just three animalanimal stories. Next: animal stories of human beings acting more animalistically than technically-lower species.(See all sources at

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